Space

I'm sorry for the random hiatus I've taken from writing here. I suppose I've needed space.

I've been avoiding this blog because the last post makes me incredibly sad, but also takes me to a place I'm glad I'm getting out of. Let me explain.

I am no longer going to Sevilla this summer.

I was going to Sevilla in order to attend a language school called International House Sevilla and obtain a CELTA (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults) certificate. The school is phenomenal and is accredited by the University of Cambridge. It was a wonderful opportunity to gain experience teaching English to adults, which is a field I am very interested in. Although I am currently getting my Bachelors in elementary education, I am a volunteer at The Literacy Center of West Michigan and am tutoring English to a woman from Mexico. I thought that attending this program would help me discern if I want to pursue a Masters in TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) or Applied Linguistics.

The other reason I was going back to Sevilla is because I missed it terribly. This winter was extremely difficult for me. I felt like I was in a place where I didn't want to be and doing things I didn't want to be doing. I've felt very disconnected with many things going on around me. I felt disconnected from my "real" life, you know the things that occur on a daily basis. I know that sounds very strange, but coming back from Sevilla, I felt as if my "young" life was over; my "me" time was up. I'm a little dramatic, I know, but you have to understand that practically everyone around me is making the same choices in life right now... graduating, getting married, and so on. I felt like coming back to Grand Rapids, I would be so off track everyone else's plan and I exiled myself into my own world of missing Sevilla.

Jerez, Spain

I felt sorry for myself plenty of times, insisting that absolutely no one understood how I felt. I got defensive when people would label my want to return to Sevilla as "the travel bug," and believed I had experienced something greater than everyone around me.

It's true, not many people in my life can relate to my experience in Sevilla, but that doesn't mean I need to instantly become defensive and shut them out. It means I have the opportunity to share with them the thrill and wonder of my experience. I get that now, but I'm still learning. I became jealous when my friends' experiences were so similar and they could talk and relate, but I could not. I felt alone in this wonderful experience and it was strange and lonely at times.

Lastly, going to Sevilla was a coping mechanism of sorts. As soon as Pete notified me that he was moving to Vancouver (Washington, not British Colombia), I had no idea how that would work in our relationship. We decided to see how it went upon him arriving and getting settled. Basically, things were wide open, up-in-the-air, so I thought... "I'm going back to Sevilla!" I really just wanted to get far, far away from Grand Rapids. I wanted to make my own decision. So I bought a really expensive plane ticket and told myself everything would be ok... I'm going back to Sevilla. Ha! I crack myself up.

It's taken me awhile to understand what I felt while studying in Sevilla and I'm still not completely done, but recently I've been able to step outside of this funk and realize I have endless opportunities I can embark on that will, in turn, create my life. I have a wonderful man in my life that I have the opportunity to create that life with. I have beautiful friendships that I cherish, and a family who supports me in my crazy endeavors. I have a God who loves me and will lead me to where He wants me. I trust Him. I cannot continue to throw myself in exile because I long for Sevilla and have no one to cry with or complain to, because it's simply not true.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this choice not to go and I have a sad pit in my stomach, but I know it's the right thing. Because I've actually thoroughly thought about it, prayed extensively, and the INSANE cost to fly to Spain in July, I will not be going to Sevilla this summer. 

That's the deal.

I have a voucher for the price of my plane ticket (that's another story) and have used half of its worth to purchase a ticket to Portland to see Pete in June. (He lives in Vancouver, WA, which is right over the river to Portland.) I'm extremely excited to see him after 13 weeks and to spend some time in his new home. I will use the rest of my voucher to purchase a ticket to Dublin come February, so that my brother and I can start our month-long journey throughout Europe next May! Happy graduation to me!

Lastly, throughout this journey, I've learned the beauty of wrestling. I've learned that it is okay to wrestle with things. We must wrestle to find meaning. If it's one thing that has taught me this, it would be my English theory class. Odd, I know, but I've learned that, especially as a writer and/or reader, wrestling is part of the job. It is a must. I've learned to be content with wrestling and to let myself find meaning through wrestling as I explicate literature or explicate my life decisions (ha; that's a life-long journey!) Finding meaning is difficult, but that's what makes it so meaningful.

I'll leave you with this...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's the LORD's purpose that prevails." —Proverbs 19:21