Forward

My life was very different one year ago.

In 7 days I was off to Spain to have the adventure of a lifetime. I was full of anticipation, a little fear, but most of all, excitement. I was ready.

I know I talk a mighty great deal about this adventure of mine and how my current life is ho-hum compared to it, and I'm not lying, it is ho-hum, full of bureaucratic actions that will move me on to the next chapter in life; "real life."

...and I'm feeling stuck. Miserably stuck between obligation and "necessity" to finish my education (of which I love--- don't get me wrong) and to accept that Spain was simply a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And it was, but why does it have to stop there?

Guys, I am truly driving myself nuts here. Sometimes I think I'm acting like a pouty 4-year-old who just wants to return to sunshine, tinto de verano, and carefree living (who wouldn't?) and sometimes I think, "Kristina, just go, for whatever reason, just go." And then I think, "But what if... and what if... and, and, and................"

...and the cycle continues. The only things I am sure of in this situation are;

1. I want travel.
2. I don't want to travel alone.
3. No one in my life really has the same desire to travel... which leaves me feeling sorry for myself.
4. I can't travel right now because my life is governed by obligation and fear.

Gosh guys, why am I writing this again? Oh yeah, so I can convince you that I am moving forward...

But really, I'm wrestling in almost every aspect of my life.

1. Should I move out?
2. Should I get married?
3. Should I travel?
4. Should I teach abroad?

The list goes on.

Why am I having such a hard time making decisions?

I ask God this a lot. I ask him why I am here. Why I am wrestling. Why I am unsure about a lot of things. But I honestly never think to be thankful or embrace any of it. I just think it's a sucky, poopy, difficult time in my life and it will pass... and it will, but the fact is that God DOES have a plan for me. Whether it includes the "shoulds" or the "should nots," I have no idea. And that's where I trust.

I choose to trust that the Lord will supply.

That the Lord has put me in this state of wrestling so I can think, ponder, and contemplate, but most of all, so I can trust Him.

So, I'm not going to convince you that I'm having the best time, because I'm not. I'm not going to convince you of anything really, but I DO know that God is much bigger than we imagine and He is working in our lives even when we feel confused and alone. He is always there and He will always supply.